Three Strikes, You're Out

It's official.  Today my doctor said I cannot go to college this semester - any college.  I can't go back to school until I get medical clearance and I can't get medical clearance until the doctors figure out what I even have.  I think I'm still processing all of this and it will be hardest to deal with once everyone goes back to school and I'm not there.  I can't think further than today, because when I do, I become completely and utterly overwhelmed by the long, hard journey I have ahead of me.  One doctor thinks I have seizures, another, POTS, and many more who have shrugged their shoulders and said, "Sorry, I don't know how to help you."  Being passed from one specialist to another, I feel like the little birdie in the children's book, Are You My Mother?  Are YOU my doctor?

I just don't even know what to think or do right now.  I was raised in a very education-focused family and all I've ever wanted since preschool was to go to college.  Now, because of a health condition completely out of my control, my dreams have been put on hold.  What do I do now?  How am I supposed to feel about all of this?  Throughout all of this physical trial, I've felt every emotion there is to feel about it.  Frustration, resentment, sorrow, mourning, gratitude.  Right now I'm just in shock, like when I was told family members have passed away.  In a way, I am mourning the loss of the life I had planned, the ability to live out my greatest desire the way I want to, and the "death" of my physical abilities.  I know that I'll get better, in time, and that I will be able to continue my education - nothing could stop me indefinitely - but right now I just need to push the "pause" button until I get my health restored. 

This just makes me all the more excited to go back to BYUH, because I know that when I do, it will be all the sweeter after everything I had to go through in order to make it back there.  Plus, it will be nice to be able to go to college (and Hawaii) when I'll be well enough to enjoy it.  I have to keep focusing on what I have to look forward to at the end of this very long tunnel.  The sun will never feel so brilliant.  Just like how focusing on the eternal perspective is a motivation to live a higher standard of life and to endure the hard times.  It makes it easier knowing there's something so incredibly tremendous waiting on the other side of the storm cloud.  Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side.