Don't Look Under the Bed

Nighttime's always the worst, which, as a night owl, is rather inconvenient.  When the sun sets, thoughts of my health and how it impacts my future rise.  Everyone in my life is telling me NOT to go to BYUH.  I know that heat is bad for my health, but over the past year I have not only developed a love for Hawaii and BYUH, but for the people who live there and the wonderful Aloha Spirit they carry with them.  It's incredibly difficult to have a physical condition that restricts and rebukes freedom and control over my body and my daily life.  At times the sense of helplessness and powerlessness that comes with not being able to take care of my most basic needs can be not only frustrating, but very demoralizing as well.

I have always been a very determined and tenacious person.  I thrive when faced with challenges and have never met an obstacle I could not overcome through my sheer will and hard work.  But maybe those aren't the right tools I need to be using right now.  Maybe that's like trying to hit a nail with a rubber spatula.  There comes a time when you have to realize, that's not working and it's time to reevaluate.  I LOVE BYUH.  I love the people, I love the diversity, I love the intimacy, I love the environment, and I love the unique academic programs they have there.  It's a small, flat campus, which is perfect for someone who can't walk long distances or up hills.  Buuuut, it's hot and a long ways away from family and specialists, who can take care of me.  I want so badly to stay at BYUH, but at what cost?  What's the point of going to paradise if I have to spend most of my time inside air-conditioned buildings or wearing a cooling vest that looks like a life jacket?  Then again, how is it any better to sacrifice what I love because it's the "hard" choice?

There's a very rational and sensible rebuttal everyone brings up in response to my desire to go to BYUH that always has the power to make my stomach do the loop-d-loop.  They say it's not reasonable or fair to rely on others I may not even know yet to take care of me during and after an attack.  I've always been very stubbornly independent since childhood and insisted on doing everything "all by myself".  Being dependent for my most basic needs, like food, water, and helping me get to and from the bathroom when I am too weak to walk or sit up on my own, has proven to be the most difficult pill I have ever had to swallow.  While it's taught me a lot about humility, compassion, and service, it's also been a source of great torment and guilt.  I see it as: people did not go to BYUH to take care of me and my needs, they went to have their own life.  I am nobody's responsibility, save it be my family and doctors.  Even though the Lord has blessed me with people who have been incredibly charitable, compassionate, and understanding of my needs, I have not been.  I know that the people who have helped me have done so voluntarily and to my amazement, have even thanked me for the opportunity to serve me, but I still feel guilty that people have to do so much for me and that I am unable to give equal amounts of labor and service to them.  Is it really fair or right to go back to college - any college - knowing that at some point someone is going to have to take care of me?  Am I being selfish and greedy in "not letting my physical ailment stop me from living my life"?  Or am I putting my faith and trust in the Lord to protect and provide for me?

My family especially has really been pushing for me to either transfer to a school near them and/or specialists on the mainland, or to even take a semester off to focus on finding answers to questions I've been asking about my health for the last three years.  I understand that they're worried and want to take care of me, but I feel like if I do either of those options, if I give up my dream school and future, then I'm letting my ailment win.  From the very beginning of all of this I have been determined that I will NOT let my physical limitations limit me in any other area of my life.  Having such daily limitations and lack of control over my body has only made me desire control over other areas of my life so much more.  Sometimes I look at the idea of being able to be physically active again or even just being well enough to be able to live off campus, the same way Gollum views The Ring.  It's hard not to become short sighted on "my precious" and to keep an eternal perspective of gratitude and understanding on the matter.  It's a daily battle that's often fought hour by hour, minute by minute.

So what do I do?  I have gone back and forth on the matter since April and have yet to surely know what the right answer is.  I have prayed earnestly and though I cannot fast, I have done everything within my power to be spiritually open to an answer.  Apparently, I just need to wrestle with this a little bit longer, or maybe it's a decision I'm supposed to make on my own.  Either way, any perspectives and advice anyone out there may have would be greatly appreciated.   Mahalo.