For the past week I've been on bed rest working up the strength to be able to sit up on my own. For whatever reason, sometimes I have "good days" and sometimes I have "bad days" and sometimes, I have really, really bad weeks. Finally, on Friday (yesterday) I felt well enough to try to do a few things. Let me tell you, nothing feels better than a getting cleaned up after being stuck in bed for a week. My family was going to go to DQ for dinner and I was able to sit up the whole time we were there. I felt like Super Woman. When I was about to get ready for bed, I started feeling waves of very sudden, overwhelming, lightheadedness, weakness, shortness of breath, and my heart going crazy that lasted anywhere from 30 seconds to 5 minutes. After three or four of these "waves" I decided to lay on my floor with my feet up the wall, to try and help get the blood to flow back to my heart and brain. The rest of the night my heart rate and blood pressure kept riding the roller coaster, causing these "waves" to continue. I finally gave up on the idea of sleep and made it downstairs to the couch where I could distract myself with some tv. Things only got worse through the hours of the night and eventually my legs started twitching as well. At about 7 this morning, as I was sitting on the couch, I began to have another attack, but this one was different for several reasons. For one, I was sitting. Two, my eyes were open and I could see - that was really weird. I could see but I couldn't move as my body gradually began convulsing more frequently and intensely. I've always wondered what it would be like to have an attack all by myself. This morning I got my answer. I kept trying to call for help but as much as I screamed in my head, I couldn't make my body make any sound. I just kept pleaing that someone would wake up and come downstairs. After a little over half an hour, my mama did.
I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. I know that I needed to have this attack today to learn the incredible and dramatic difference having someone there makes. I needed to learn and to feel the comfort, peace, and reassurance that emanates from the pure love of those who serve me. When I was alone, I was scared. Partly, because just as the muscles in the rest of my body convulsed, so did the muscles in my throat and there were periods of time I couldn't breath at all, and others where I couldn't swallow and would choke and suffocate on my saliva as everyone else was soundly asleep above me. Shortly after my mom found me, my dad and sister joined me as well. The most beneficial thing anyone can do while I go through an attack is to talk to me and distract my mind from what my body's doing. Erica and papi each grabbed one of my hands and put on a puppet show while my body was flopping around like a fish. While their British accents left much to be desired, I have never felt more lighthearted during an attack before.
Heavenly Father, being the ultimate multi-tasker, managed to teach me multiple lessons all within one attack. One, be careful what you wish for. I always thought I'd be able to handle having an attack on my own and a little part of me wanted the opportunity to prove to myself and the world (mostly to my parents and family who said I couldn't go places or do things for fear of this situation) that I can take care of myself, even during an attack. Boy, was I brought to my knees on that one. Two, the people who serve me during these attacks have a genuine Christlike Love that fills them and me when they embody charity. Three, I am worthy and deserving of receiving this love, over and over again. Four, there is no limit to God's Love.
Even though my body feels so incredibly exhausted and weak after everything it's been through this week, I feel great. My happiness is not dependent upon my physical state because it's not the literal body that is the source of happiness and joy. (Thank goodness!) I believe Doctrine and Covenants 101:37 says it best, "Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul."
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