I've had the feeling like I need to start blogging again for a while now, but I've been pushing it off with half-hearted excuses, much like I did with cleaning chores as a kid. So why the sudden change of heart? One ugly, gut-wrenching word: suicide. I just read an article about a college freshmen from MIT who had been battling POTS for a couple of years, had a bad flare up that required her to take a medical leave from school and return home. Between the pain and all the other symptoms that come with POTS and having to leave her dream and her world at MIT behind because of it, she committed suicide. She left a note for her mother saying, "Sorry, I couldn't keep fighting."
I get it.
Having a similar story to Christina's - both graduating Valedictorian at age 17, all the personality traits that go along with that; getting frustrated when the only thing people say to you is, "How's your health doing?" especially when the answer is always, "Not well!" but you never say that because you don't like to dwell on it and you really don't like pity; and finally, we both had to leave university early on medical leave because of POTS - this news really hit close to home. It makes me cringe to bring attention to myself for anything POTS related; that's why I haven't been blogging. Now I see a reason to speak up and reach out that is worth so very much more than my pride or ego. I KNOW what it's like to feel completely alone, that there is no one in your life or in the lives of those you know that can come close to understanding or relating to what you're going through. It took me several years with POTS before I found a diagnosis and even longer before I was able to meet someone who had it. I had to leave college in the middle of the semester - 3 times! - to go home because I could no longer meet my basic needs, let alone get to class. I know what that's like. I know the frustration and heartbreak.
I get it.
I guess this post is just in case someone out there is scouring the web in the wee hours of the morning looking for understand, for just one person who can relate to what they're going through on their journey with POTS or any other chronic illness at a young age. I want you to know you are not alone. You are NEVER alone. There are people out there who know exactly what you're going through. What you're going through is REAL. There are people around you who really do genuinely care how your health is doing. And there is always, ALWAYS a loving God who is so very anxious to wrap His arms around you and give you peace and calm when He cannot calm the storm.
Don't give up! Don't quit fighting! The fight is hard and it is long and sometimes it seems like it is never-ending, but it IS worth it! When you feel like it's just too much to carry on, reach out! Reach out to God, reach out to your family, reach out to your loved ones, reach out to your doctors, you can even reach out to me. The point is, you are not alone and there are people anxious to come to your side and fight along side you when it seems you're on the losing side of the battle. Just remember, there are many battles within a war and it doesn't matter how many battles you win or lose, just that you keep fighting until you win the war.
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