Want v. Need

Today I felt better than I have in a while and it made such a dramatic difference!  I was even able to go outside for a bit.  Fresh air is God's medicine.  It did me some good to play with Henry, my sister's six month-old corgi, and to pull some weeds around the house for my mama.  I even got some good mediation practice in and got Henry and Zipper, the very ornery family cat, to coexist in harmony through a lot of petting and and cooing; in many ways animals are a lot like toddlers.

Today was all about the little pleasures in life.  I felt accomplished when I got the animals to play nice for the first time.  I felt proud of myself when I was able to do something nice for my mom by pulling the weeds.  I felt connected when my family watched America's Best Dance Crew together and "voted" on our favorites.  I felt merry when Erica and I took funny pictures together that never came out because we were laughing so hard neither one of us could hold the camera still.  I felt light when I cleaned off and uncluttered my nightstand.  Sometimes I think our society focuses so much on the "importance" of filling space we forget the value in just letting space be space.

I've been reading several books on minimalism over the past few months and have done a great deal to declutter every aspect of my life.  When you live with a chronic health condition time and energy become even more precious and valued for their rarity.  I view my energy as money that must be budgeted; each day I wake up with an allotted budget and must spend it wisely.  Consequently, prioritizing has made its way to the forefront of my attention and the focus of my personal studies. 

With poor health comes bountiful time to think about many things most people my age haven't had the need or occasion to think of.  For this, I am grateful.  Life doesn't ever go the way we plan but in the scheme of things, I don't want it to.  My vision is so very limited with the blinders of perspective and experience I don't have.  When I think of the plans in life that didn't come to pass because of circumstances out of my control I see how devastated I was in the moment, but then I see how much better things were with the way they turned out.  I know what I'm going through will be for my gain in the long run.  The lessons it's teaching me and the person it's helping me become is far greater than what I could have ever planned for myself.   I'm so very grateful I have not always been given what I want in life, but rather, what I need.

For Mary

People come into our lives for a reason.  Every now and again someone will say exactly what I need to hear to be uplifted, re-motivated, and to feel loved.  Today I got a beautiful card from my friend Mary.  We haven't seen each other in a year as we live in different countries but were roommates in college our freshman year.  I needed to hear everything she had to say.  As I was reading I felt the loving warmth of our friendship and it meant a great deal as my physical health has not been well lately.  At the end of the letter she asked (commanded) me to keep blogging because it was inspirational, so Mary, this one's for you.

I know it's been a while since my last entry.  My health has been about the same since my last entry over half a year ago, unfortunately.  I had the wonderful opportunity in February to go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, for a week of fun-filled poking, prodding, and testing.  It was all worth it though as I've never had doctors as knowledgeable, helpful, and compassionate, as the doctors I saw there.  It turns out the Mayo Clinic has the nation's only POTS treatment program.  It's an outpatient program that lasts about a month and has phenomenal success rates.  I leave for it in just a few weeks!

Most pinnacle moments in life aren't realized until they become memories.  It's not very often in life that a person is aware their life is about to be dramatically changed ahead of time.  I know this POTS treatment program will forever change the trajectory of my life, whether it cures me or not.  This is it.  There's nothing higher in the medical field of POTS treatment and research than the Mayo Clinic and its program.  If it allows me to live a normal healthy life again, then it's obvious how my life will be changed from its current and past state.  If I go through this program and I don't get better, well that's just a depressing future to think of.  My friends ask me if I'm nervous or scared for this treatment as the doctors have forewarned me that for at least the first week I'm going to feel like I can't make it through.  I wouldn't say I'm scared or nervous for what I'm going to go through in this treatment, not after everything I've already been through with my attacks.  Not after knowing that what I will be going through will make me better.  It's so much easier to face hard things when I know it's going to make me better, and hopefully, it's going to make all the hard things I face everyday with my POTS go away.  I think I'm more anxious for it than anything else.  I'm anxious to meet people my age going through the same things I am.  I'm anxious for it to be over.  I'm anxious to know if I'm going to be all better.  But most of all, I'm anxious to move forward with my life.