Here are some things I've learned along the way. I've been personally guilty of using this phrase and am trying to correct my own actions. Life's all about learning and adjusting on repeat.
Don’t say: “Let me know if you need any help!” (Often said with one foot out the door, literally or figuratively.)
Knowing someone is going through a difficult time in their life and saying, “Well, let me know if you need any help!” Is the verbal equivalent of being in the middle of a vast lake in a motor boat, coming across someone in a rickity old row boat, stopping briefly to say “Well you have my number so let me know if you need anything, ok bye!” And jetting off as they’re left bucketing out water and paddling for dear life. Depending on their situation that may be accurate or a little dramatized, but you get the idea.
When you say, “Let me know IF,” it places the person in need in a position to have to beg for help, or at least feel like it. Most of all, it implies they don’t currently need help, making it awkward to ask if they do, especially when these are said as parting words. Also, since you already know they’re going through a hard time, it can make your desire to help come across as insincere; everyone going through a trying time needs a helping hand.
Instead say: “I know things are hard right now and I want to help, what would lighten your load?”
Or simply, “What can I do?”
Follow with offers you’re comfortable doing and give specific time frames, like “this week” or “Thursday evening I’m available”. It can be uncomfortable to ask for help and difficult to know what’s an “acceptable” favor to ask for. Additionally, there are some ways you’re more comfortable helping and other ways you’re less so. Giving suggestions of options you’re comfortable doing, along with time frames, is a win-win for both parties.
Some ideas include:
“Can I bring you dinner this week?”
(And while I am always appreciative of anyone bringing me a meal, I am so grateful when they bring it in containers I don’t have to worry about washing and returning to them right away. I almost teared up once when one thoughtful soul even brought dinner with a stack of paper plates, silverware, cups, and napkins so we wouldn’t have any dishes to do.)
“I’m going to Walmart and Costco this week, is there anything I can grab for you?”
(Venmo is a wonderful thing for just these situations.)
“Would it be helpful if I took the kids for a couple of hours so you could have some quiet time to recharge or go on a date?”
(It can be challenging to have time alone - or together - when you’re deep in the trenches of survival mode, especially with children.)
“Would it be helpful if I came over and helped with any cleaning/chores/laundry/mowing the lawn this week? I have a free hour on Saturday.”
But one of the most overlooked - and most powerful - forms of support in times of need is simply just showing up and being present. A “thinking of you” text takes you seconds and can help buoy someone treading water. Humor truly is an all purpose remedy. Never underestimate the power of passing along a funny picture, meme, gif, video, or story. Even better if it’s a personal story from your day. Everyone wants to feel included and connected, especially those homebound and/or struggling. Take the everyday opportunities to share what you admire and appreciate in others. It’s not done nearly often enough and I promise, it becomes more natural with practice and is always appreciated. If the circumstance allows, instead of dropping dinner at the door and rushing off, ask if there’s a time they’d feel up to having a visit, or perhaps going out to grab a bite together. Sometimes, it is so wonderful just to get out of the house. Other times, that’s not an option. Every time, it’s revitalizing just to spend time with a friend.
{There is a formidable power in human connection that can sustain and strengthen through life’s difficult challenges. Likewise, isolation can weaken the already weary.}
At the end of the day, how you show up matters little. That you show up can make a world of difference. Reach out. Show up. Lift up. We’re all just trying to make it through and make it Home, so why not do it together?
Who is someone on your mind right now that you can reach out to? Do it! Send that text! Make that call! Give that hug! Say, “I love you!” Spread a little love and light! You never know just how badly it may be needed.
