Anything I Could Do, I Can Do Better

When I learned that the cornerstone of my treatment to getting better would be reprogramming my brain I realized just how much the Lord prepares people for the trials and challenges they will face in life.  I thought to myself, "that totally sounds like something I would do."  Though I know the road to recovery is long and hard I am overwhelmed with the sure knowledge that I can do it.  I'm constantly learning of little ways God has prepared me throughout my life to have the skills and tools I will need to overcome this obstacle and go on to accomplish even greater things.  There's so much I'm continuing to learn even though I'm not in any classroom this semester. 

We all have experiences throughout life that progressively build us up and equip us with the right tools to come out on the right side of our next roadblock.  I know that we will never face a wall too high to climb, but that's not to say we won't need a boost getting over it.  We are never alone and the only thing that could get in our way of progressing through life is ourselves.  Sometimes we just have to tell our humanity - our fears, insecurities, weaknesses, short-comings - to take the backseat and marvel at all the unshackled potential and ability that was just bursting to get out.

Torro! Torro!

Some of the talents I posses: planning, organizing, determination, drive, ambition and the love of setting and accomplishing goals.  Once I set my mind to something I knock down every brick wall I encounter until I reach my desired destination.  Nothing can get in my way and any nay-sayings to my goal offered by others or doctors gets lost in the wind.  It's a very good trait to have and has served me well with all of the brick walls I've encountered with my health.  I approach them head-on and bull-dose right through each of them.

While this approach gets me far it's also incredibly important - and something I can definitely improve upon - to take the time to slow down, enjoy, and soak in all of the lessons and blessings that are in the present.  Sometimes all I see is the waving red cape and charge right at it without stopping to see the crowd or the roses they throw.  It's something that's hard for me.  Right now I am so completely focused on achieving my goal of being well enough to return to BYUH that I'm not having the right perspective and patience, the right peripheral vision if you will, with the lessons I'm supposed to be learning along the way.  I was reminded of that today.

I'm so anxious to get back to my life, to finally move forward.  I realized today that when I think from that perspective I'm defining "moving forward" and "having a life" in terms that aren't necessarily the most beneficial or insightful.  I do have a life and I am living it every second of every day.  Who's to say that the lessons I am to learn from the trials I am waging through right now aren't helping me progress in the grand scheme of things?  Certainly they are in a grand way.  I'm learning that even though much of my time is spent on bed rest I still need to slow down.  How crazy does that sound?

Perspective is a fluid concept that can and should be challenged and altered accordingly everyday of life.  If we're simply content with life and our beliefs - and I don't mean religious beliefs - the way they are, what fun is that?  Where's the growth?  Where's the development?  Where's the progress?  And what is life without progression?  Unfortunately progression cannot come without a few sturdy brick walls blocking the path.  But just as Randy Pausch said in his book, The Last Lecture, "Brick walls are there for a reason.  They give us a chance to show how badly we want something."  Boy, oh boy, do I want to be well enough to return to BYUH badly but I have to realize that shouldn't necessarily be my number one priority.  When I learn to put the little things first the bigger things will fall into place.  Day by day.  I need to keep my perspective broad and all-encompassing, not solely focused on the bright red cape just a few feet out of reach, enthralling me.

Lies My Mother Told Me

My mama and her mama before her always said, "If you have your health, you have everything."  When I was little this was just the ramblings of old people.  Now that I am older and a bit wiser too, I have put a lot more thought into this phrase.  When I began my physical trial I cringed every time mama said this, which felt like every day.  When others would ask about my health she'd find a way to bring this up and say how now she understands what her mama meant when she said it and how wise she was.  As I stood by and listened I thought, "If health is everything, what do I have?  Nothing?"  It really perturbed me.  According to the logic of this phrase, I had nothing, my life was over, I had nothing to contribute to the world.  I couldn't disagree more.  I may not have the greatest health at the moment, but I have hope, family, friends, knowledge, and so much more.  I can still laugh and enjoy the moments I have, whether they're stuck on bed rest or out climbing mountains.  Just because my health may not be the greatest now doesn't leave me destitute forever.  There's hope in a brighter future, in doctors making new break-throughs and in recovery.  The part of this concept of having nothing if I don't have my health was nails on the chalkboard to me.  It was the idea that I have nothing to contribute to the world just because my body misbehaves.  Excuse me, but I still have a perfectly good mind and plenty of skills to equip me with a plethora of ways I can contribute to the world around me.  No health condition can deprive me of my ability and agency to smile at all I see, to be an open ear and shoulder to all who stand in need, and to reach out to others all around the world through all of the amazing ways of communication that now exist.  One of the greatest things of all I can do is to reach out to others struggling with physical disabilities and hardships and let them know they're not alone in what they're going through and feeling.  I know that's something I search for and it's something I can give.  There is so very much I can give - "healthy" or not.

As I've mulled over this little nugget that's been passed down through the generations, there's one simple correction I would make.  In my eyes and experience, health has NOTHING to do with what I have or don't have in life.  My relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, does.  When I have that I have peace, comfort, hope, joy, and companionship.  I know that I'm never alone and there's someone out there who loves me beyond measure and knows exactly what I'm going through every step of the way.  When I have God I have dry eyes and quieted fears.  I have a better perspective and more patience to endure with a happy heart and not a complaining or self-pitying one.  I'm not perfect, but I can be made perfect in Him.  Regardless of my health.  No, I have learned that having health is not everything.  What I will pass down to my children and grandchildren will only be one word different than what was passed down to me.  But sometimes one little word can make all the difference.  For when you have God, you have everything.

No Dessert 'Til After You Finish Your Dinner

I suppose I've been putting this entry off because I didn't know what to say.  The first part of August I was admitted to OHSU for a week of testing.  From it I learned I do not have epilepsy, but we're in the right "-ology".  I also learned that any last hope I had of returning to school for Fall semester was completely and utterly extinguished.  When I asked about Winter semester, as I would need to be making plans relatively soon, I was told "not to worry about school right now".  Tonight, after a long battle with BYUH's "medical deferment" policy, I officially discontinued.  I feel sick to my stomach and completely exhausted.  It's hard to spend a lifetime working hard, giving my all to reaching a goal that's dangling just out of reach.  I know I'll get through this and I know I'll be able to return to school, just not now.  It's like I'm told I can have my favorite dessert, AFTER I finish all the liver and fermented spinach on my plate.  I don't want the gross dinner that's staring me in the face.  I just want my yummy dessert.  Unfortunately life's not always sprinkles and chocolate.

So, for the next few months (I'm still putting a heavy hope on returning to BYUH in January) I'll be continuing my medical journey of blood sausage and monkey brains, enduring only because I know what awaits me at the other end.  The doctors may say it's very unlikely I'll be able to return for Winter semester, but that's only because they don't know me.  I'm a very goal-oriented person and once I set my mind on something, I make it happen.  Did you know it's medically been proven that people can will a wart off of their foot?  Oh the power of the human mind and will-power.  So bring on the pig intestines and cockroaches.  This girl's got the stomach for anything placed before her.  What wouldn't I do for a slice of chocolate haupia pie from Ted's?